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    University with 2% Acceptance Rate: “College Application Process Not Rigorous Enough”

      By: Ryan Wagner August 1st means only one thing for the average high-achieving, Harvard-or-bust senior: the beginning of application season.  Of course, in an age of increased competitiveness among students to get into the top schools, schools are now being forced to look in unconventional places for distinction between otherwise identically qualified students.  Originally, […]

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    Cincinnati Zoo refuses to take dick out for Harambe

    By: Julia Tesmond Cincinnati, OH—Months after the brutal murder of the beloved silverback gorilla Harambe, the coldhearted Cincinnati Zoo has yet to take their dick out in honor of the primate, to the disappointment of millions of fans worldwide. Not only has the zoo refused to display their penises, they have also chosen to deactivate […]

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    Incoming College Freshman Surprised and Honored to Receive $2 From FAFSA

    By: Julia Tesmond Miami, FL–   Following four years of hard work and dedication, Miami-native Nathan Rivera broke down into tears of joy upon receiving his FAFSA financial aid. The $2 financial aid award Rivera received came in the form of a big check, which was proudly displayed on the local news as the biggest monetary […]