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    57% of Americans Secretly Hope that Hurricane Irma Gets Rid of Florida

    San Jose, CA – The result of Yew Nork Times’ official polls show that 57% of Americans want Florida to disappear. It comes as a shock that so many people would like to see the humid, mosquito infested, nasty, murky, and soul-sucking-weather’d state gone.   “I mean, I don’t want anyone to be hurt, I […]

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    Chicago, IL – This summer has been rough. Hurricane Harvey hit Texas just a few weeks ago and caused catastrophic damage. Sources report that the hurricane had a diameter of 280 miles with over 135 mile per hour winds. Now, hurricane Irma is on its way to South Florida and may be even more dangerous. […]

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    All-Female Lord of The Flies To Tell Only 77% Of The Story

    By: Julia Tesmond Earlier this week, news broke of an adaptation to the 1954 novel Lord of the Flies. The book was to be made into a movie, featuring girls trying to survive rather than privileged white men. The film, to be written by two privileged white men, is set to feature just 77% of […]



    Tomi Lahren Becomes Lead Correspondent for Fox’s Racism Section

    Chicago, IL – Fox News has hired Tomi Lahren, the white woman who has consistently degraded POC since her Facebook days. Reports indicate that she will be in charge of their racism segment, a subsegment of the “General discrimination” block. “I’m really excited to have such an opportunity,” Lahren said to the Yew Nork Times. […]

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    Citizens Gather Tomorrow to Attack the Fire Nation While They’re Weak

    On Monday, August 21st, the moon will obscure the sun. People across the United States will travel to the fire nation to stop their tyrannical reign. The Avatar, master of all four elements will be leading the raid. The eclipse won’t last long, so you’ll want to be sure you’re ready so that we can […]

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    Girl Who Tweeted She Was ‘Gay For Ruby Rose’ Discovered To Be Straightest Person Alive

    By: Julia Tesmond Gay, Michigan– After years of research, sociologists at the University of Michigan have finally pinpointed the straightest person to ever exist. Mikayla Brenda, aged 24, has been given the official title of “Straightest Person” and the unofficial title of “Breeder”. Brenda has disputed this claim, with Twitter evidence as her source. In […]