Ted Cruz woke up to find his name trending again. He had liked pornography on twitter. Many think that he was unaware of the fact that other people can see your likes… But he knew exactly what he was doing. Many people are onto the fact that Ted Cruz is indeed the Zodiac Killer. In his interview with the Yew Nork Times, he made a confession:
“I am the Zodiac Killer,” Ted Cruz said. “But nobody would know that if they focus on my porn addiction instead.”
New York, NY – Tinder has become one of the most popular dating apps of our time. There are millions of users constantly looking for love, or sex, or some weird mix of the two. The user interface is very simple to use. You upload pictures of yourself along with a bio, and then decide whether or not you like others who have done the same. However, despite the simplicity it has not gone very well for Gary the fish. Gary’s bio is “there are many fish in the sea, but there’s only one me.”
“Whenever I match with someone, I get really excited,” Gary said. “But they never know that I’m the fish. Instead they think I am the douchey white kid in the middle of growing out his hair. It’s sad, but how else am I supposed to pose for pictures?”
Gary has received many matches… Some of which call him a douchebag for “holding a fish in his tinder photo.” It hasn’t been all bad, though… Angelica, a local tinder user, swiped right on Gary well aware that he is a fish. They have a date at the pier soon. Angelica is going to be wearing scuba equipment so that Gary can show her around. Let’s hope it goes well.
Phoenix, AZ – Hurricane Irma is one of the worst hurricanes to ever hit the South East. It is a category 5 and can result in the deaths of many. Floridians were advised to evacuate the area as soon as possible. We spoke to some Airline CEOs to see what they are doing to help.
“That’s when I knew that I can exploit my customers for much more than they would usually pay. It’s supply demand. The market will regulate itself,” said the CEO of an airline that wanted to remain anonymous. “I am just living the American dream.”
Airlines have raised prices for flights exiting Florida by hundreds of dollars. Many, who could barely afford a flight at regular prices, are fucked.
San Jose, CA – The result of Yew Nork Times’ official polls show that 57% of Americans want Florida to disappear. It comes as a shock that so many people would like to see the humid, mosquito infested, nasty, murky, and soul-sucking-weather’d state gone.
“I mean, I don’t want anyone to be hurt, I just am kinda sick of that hell of a place that we call Florida,” said Juan Ramirez. “It’s just a sweaty marsh land of crocodiles. The dick of America, really.”
Hurricane Irma has slowed down, though, and it looks like we may have to live with Florida beyond Irma. If you are one of the 43% that wants Florida to survive, here is where you can donate to help those in need:
Chicago, IL – This summer has been rough. Hurricane Harvey hit Texas just a few weeks ago and caused catastrophic damage. Sources report that the hurricane had a diameter of 280 miles with over 135 mile per hour winds. Now, hurricane Irma is on its way to South Florida and may be even more dangerous. With so many storms information happening, one has to wonder how Donald Trump and many others still deny climate change. The Yew Nork Times had an exclusive interview to find out.
“Look, I love hurricanes. Nobody loves hurricanes more than I do,” Trump told us. “But these two hurricanes are in no way proof of climate change. The democrats and Obamas obviously invented these hurricanes to try and make us believe in climate change. Well, I’ll tell you what, it ain’t gonna happen!”
Many other climate-change deniers have come to the same conclusion.
Earlier this week, news broke of an adaptation to the 1954 novel Lord of the Flies. The book was to be made into a movie, featuring girls trying to survive rather than privileged white men. The film, to be written by two privileged white men, is set to feature just 77% of the plot line. Sources say the movie will end abruptly, in the middle of the story, exactly 77% of the way through. One of the directors, who will be paid 100% of his salary, had this to say on the controversy:
“This movie just isn’t going to be as hardworking or successful as the all-male Lord of the Flies, so yeah, we’re only doing 77% of it. It’s not a ‘gender’ thing, it’s a ‘skill’ thing. And, if we were to cast any WOC in the movie, which we probably won’t, they would be in even less of it. We tried to book Quvenzhané Wallis, but after we told her she could only be in 59% of the movie, she rejected our offer.”
The directors have yet to comment on whether the movie will pass the Bechdel test.