Gay, Michigan– After years of research, sociologists at the University of Michigan have finally pinpointed the straightest person to ever exist. Mikayla Brenda, aged 24, has been given the official title of “Straightest Person” and the unofficial title of “Breeder”. Brenda has disputed this claim, with Twitter evidence as her source. In 2014, Mikayla Brenda tweeted “OMG I would so be gay for @RubyRose”. While Ruby Rose has yet to respond, Ms. Brenda insists that this tweet could not make her the straightest person alive. When questioned about Ruby Rose and her part in OITNB, Brenda admitted she hadn’t watched the show because “I couldn’t get past the first sex scene….. and Alex Vauss’s eyebrows really threw me off.”
In addition to her inability to watch OITNB, Mikayla Brenda has also been found to listen to Coldplay and The Script, and has claimed that the “A” in LGBTQIA stands for “Ally”.