Toronto, Canada– Today is the day, everybody. About four hours ago, esteemed Christmas musician Michael Bublé was released from captivity to begin his work on a new Christmas cover album. Though 2016 has been notably shit from wall to wall, Michael’s agent promises that Bublé will turn the year around with his fantastic album. Sources claim that Bublé had a wild look in his eyes as he was released by the Canadian government, and that he was covered in pine needles, just like a Christmas tree. Mariah Carey was also found in the underground cage, but has yet to be released as people debate whether they want to hear her sing “All I Want for Christmas is You” for the 75th year in a row.
The Yew Nork Times reached out to Mr. Bublé for an interview, but found he didn’t know any other phrases except for “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, “Christmas”, and “The 2008 Financial Crisis”. The Yew Nork Times awaits further updates from Bublé’s team.