Miami, FL—In the most hardcore investigative report of the century, The Yew Nork Times has discovered that 80% of Floridians have no idea what Halloween is. Of the remaining 20%, half thought Halloween was “another Jewish holiday” while the other half thought it was a cult thing. After revealing that Halloween was actually an excuse to drink heavily disguised as a spooky commercialized holiday, Floridians lost their goddamn minds. One Floridian was particularly surprised:
“Of course no one in Florida knows what Halloween is. We’re haunted 365 days a year. Last week, I literally had to call a priest to exorcise the ghost of a Publix employee. He wouldn’t stop reading me the sub specials from 1992. It was fucking terrifying.”
Governor Rick Scott has yet to comment on whether Floridians would celebrate Halloween this year, but sources say he was summoning demons to Florida in preparation for the big day.