By: Brendan O’Keefe
Former child star Dora found with psychedelic mushrooms, DMT, 7 ounces of marijuana and $42,069.17* cash.
A year-long DEA investigation culminated with a raid on an apartment occupied by Dora in a Texas border town as agents led a 23-person task force comprised of representatives of the FBI, ICE, and local authorities through both entrances and nearly every window of the residence. The Mexican girl was found in a grizzly state of consciousness, clearly physically and mentally debilitated as a result of what doctors have called “an aggressive cocktail of synthetic psychadelics, marijuana, and 100% blue agave tequila”. While unconfirmed, it is reported that Dora was hysterical as she was being walked to a SWAT vehicle in handcuffs, screaming “swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping!”.
Also found in the apartment was a large, rabbies-infected street rat, which authorities have tragically identified as the once-idolized “Boots”, who was falsely identified as an adorable monkey best known for his favorite pair of red boots (which after being found in the apartment were determined to actually be crafted from a horrific blend of furs, leathers and ivory taken from severely endangered species). The rodent was allegedly caged and standing in a thicc layer of its own waste.
The investigation continues to take heart-wrenching turns. “Swiper the Fox”, the playful yet reasonable enemy of Dora has been identified as a pimp who solicited Dora’s body for sex. It is now clear that Dora’s disdain for the canine was not simply an innocent disagreement over a childish game but a tearfully unsuccessful and fruitless cry for help. Further, it appears much of the inspiration for plot content was a result of Dora’s frequent ingestion of mushrooms containing psilocybin.
“The talking map and backpack? The dramatic long pauses? I’m surprised these revelations were not made much earlier” said President Barack Obama during a news conference. “This once again shows how drug use can dim the futures of perhaps some of our brightest stars.”
*exact figure is $42,069.1738 rounded to two decimal places.