The “Burger King” Murders Ronald McDonald, Ending Clown Epidemic

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By: Brendan O’Keefe


In a “BK vs. McDonald” duel for fast-food dominance, the iconic Burger King spokesman has restored national peace in the wake of one of the most emotionally shaking epidemics since the loss of Harambe.


The plastic-headed man reportedly killed the makeup donning icon of McDonald’s by subjecting him to a high-pressured stream of sesame seeds shot out of a firetruck hose at speeds nearing Mach 1.  The incident allegedly took place behind an Albuquerque, NM Burger King at approximately 2:14 AM. Although access to the scene was limited, sophisticated Yew Nork Times technology intercepted a radio transmission between officials. According to a senior member of the county police force, it appeared Mr. McDonald was “straight sketchin” behind the restaurant while “The King” was fornicating various menu items, as was typical at that hour. When “The King” became aware of this, he revved up the seed launcher and jumped into action. Mr. McDonald was pronounced dead at the scene, his body peppered with deep lacerations and his signature red wig soaked with Clown Blood™.


“The King” was available for comment, but was unable to speak. It is believed he was still in an intense state of shock following the incident, and his lawyer said he “hasn’t blinked, has maintained a sinister, eerie smile, and refused to take off his crown.”


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