By: Brendan O’Keefe
FAR FAR AWAY – In Donald Trump’s most aggressive and hardline stance since he announced his bid for office last July, the presidential candidate sided against the long-standing belief that the characteristics of ogres and onions are nearly identical. While Trump is certainly known for his unfiltered, insensitive comments, even his most steadfast supporters are having a tough time getting past his latest remarks.
At a rally in Bethesda, Maryland, Trump said: “I have a hard time believing, a very hard time, people, that ogres are like onions. Quite frankly, it’s people like crooked Hillary with all her special interests and Wall Street money that convince you they’re like onions.” Since 2001, when Shrek first ascended into the national spotlight, it has been common knowledge that ogres are like onions. Tom Vilsack, the US Secretary of Agriculture, responded to a request by the Yew Nork Times to provide additional information. “Our agency has always maintained that ogres and onions have a special relationship. Mr. Trump’s remarks are based not in scientific fact, but rather in pure speculation and demagoguery.”
Trump enthusiast Chuck Williams, a white 74-year- old man from Texas, was receiving his 4th “Make America Great Again” tattoo when he heard the news. “Immediately, I knew I had made a mistake. I get hating minorities and banning Muslims from the country, but ogres not like onions? C’mon, no one can imagine a world where that isn’t true.” Even Stephen Hawking, the renowned theoretical physicist, weighed in on the matter. In a computer synthesized voice, Hawking commented: “Ogres aren’t onions like Pi isn’t 3.14159265359… (He went on to calculate the first 420 digits of pi, which we’ve shortened). Donald Trump’s understanding of the ogre-onion phenomenon is rudimentary at best.”
When pressed on the matter, Trump offered the following explanation: “Frankly, people, this is exactly what I mean. The special interests, the Hillary, the Mexicans?! Look, if ogres were so much like onions, I might actually cry when they get cut open! People say I hate the ogres, but it’s just wrong. I love the ogres, and the ogres love me!”
When contacted, Shrek’s agent, Donkey, explained that Shrek will not be speaking publicly on the matter until he has consulted with his attorneys.