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Americans Pray Hurricane Hermine Destroys Florida

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By: Julia Tesmond

 

Chicago, IL—Hurricane Hermine has been all over the map in the past few days, but meteorologists now predict that its course is headed straight for America’s least beloved state: Florida. This change of course has been attributed to the storm’s shifting winds, however, the nation’s lead scientists suggest that it could be a result of prayers around the country for Florida to be destroyed once and for all.

 

People have been praying since the United States acquired Florida from Spain in 1819, but with Hurricane Hermine lurking, prayers have almost doubled. One impassioned Californian had this to say:

“God, I’ve been praying every single day for Florida to sink back into the ocean. I’d be fine with only 49 great states. I couldn’t risk another state being hit by a devastating hurricane, so I just prayed it would be Florida. I had no idea it would actually happen, but I’m just grateful I don’t have to suffer through another new Pitbull #1 hit.”

 

The last attempt to remove Florida from the United States came from Hurricane Andrew, but Florida had unparalleled resilience. Thousands of alligators, pythons, and fierce Publix employees ensured Florida did not split from the rest of the United States back in 1992. These forces have only strengthened since the opening of 300 new Publix stores, so many worried Americans fear Florida is stuck in the United States for good. Yew Nork Times will be live in Florida tomorrow to give updates on Florida’s destruction, and to pray alongside the rest of America.

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