BY: Debbie-Marie Brown
Following his controversial speech at the Republican National Convention (RNC), former presidential candidate Ted Cruz has announced that he will be taking over as the new host of MTV’s “PUNK’D”.
Amongst an exhibition of old school, pat-on-the-back, “you said it, but you thought it” racism and factual oblivion in the RNC, Cruz premiered the first big prank that will kickstart his career in entertainment television.
After being angrily booed off stage by “We Want Trump” chants from trailer-park dwellers and KKK members alike, Cruz shares that his initial intent was simply to represent the sect of Republicans that make more than $15,000 a year, and who also attend Sunday service on days besides Christmas and Easter.
However, his preliminary plan of action had morphed into a visceral urgency to “school everyone in that joint!” He shares more with our reporters: “I feel so much cooler than I did before. Hip even! The Dems invited me to an after-party, I’m a changed man. I knew I’d be a snake at that convention. But now I’m a snake with a dream. Ashton already called me, MTV wants me to start tomorrow.” Cruz was wearing a fresh wife-beater and faded “daddy” jeans when we spoke with him.
MTV, which hasn’t aired the original series of “PUNK’D” since 2012, is eager for the anticipated number of “other side” viewers that a national, conservative Republican party leader may bring to the network. CEO Philippe Dauman promised the future conservative comedic star a “trigger-free” working environment. All “Teen Mom” and “Jersey Shore” posters in vicinity of Cruz’s dressing room were edited to read “Teen Mother Mary: Immaculate Conception and the Virgin Birth” and “Chris Christie’s Testicles Along the Jersey Shore”.
A 16-year old Cruz fanatic from Texas remarks on the new show: “I’m so excited for Cruz, his convention speech was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen on television. I mean, my mom only lets me watch FOX news, some Food Network, and the live streams from local baptist churches- but this was way better than John 18:10 on a good day. He’s my hero, and I hope my mom lets me watch it.”
Cruz’s publicity manager told one of our representatives that Cruz is looking forward to being less hated, nationally. He is said to be currently working on a prank against Speaker of the House Paul Ryan that “beats the Democratic sit-in”.
Donald Trump refused to comment, scaring our reporters away with loud “Blah! Bleh!” noises and grotesque facial expressions. More on this story as it develops.