By: Brendan O’Keefe
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following the tragic shooting death of the Western lowland gorilla, Harambe, and the subsequent outpouring of worldwide support, Hollywood believes it must do its part to memorialize “our mans.” Michael Bay, the legendary producer and director known for films such as the Transformers series and Battleship, believes his production team is perfect for the role.
“Yes, there will be explosions” said Bay. “Harambe can only truly be memorialized by cinema-quality fireballs shown from at least 6 angles, and use of the US Air Force and Special Forces.” Bay went on to explain that the film will likely feature an entire fleet of F-15 fighter aircraft, a pair of B-1 supersonic bombers, and 4 Apache helicopters. Furthermore, a team of US Army Special Forces will be featured in the film.
Harambe zealots and casual viewers alike may notice small discrepancies between the movie and the actual reported version of events.
Notable differences will include:
- A US Army sniper will replace “Zoo Official” as the person who fires the fatal bullet that kills Harambe.
- The sniper will be played by Mark Wahlberg.
- Rather than a young black boy falling into the enclosure, a character played by Megan Fox will swan-dive into the enclosure after somehow falling in love with the primate.
- Instead of dragging her around the enclosure, Harambe will instead strike fear and terror into the character and onlookers by forcing her to watch other Michael Bay films.
- Consistent with Michael Bay’s other works, Rotten Tomatoes will cap its favorability rating at 60% for the movie.
- In attempt to appeal to an even wider group of shallowly educated, entitled adolescent boys, portions of the film will be shown as if they are part of a zoo-goer’s Snapchat story.
While there has been no official announcement of who will play Harambe in the film, Bay hinted that Nicolas Cage, the “National Treasure” star, is at the top of the short list.