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Donald Trump Dies After Losing Media Attention

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By: Alex Schwartz

New York, NY— Republican presidential candidate
Donald Trump has reportedly slipped into a coma and is close to the brink of
death following several weeks of low media coverage of his campaign. His
daughter Ivanka found him Wednesday night, unconscious in the bathtub of his
New York City penthouse and covered in gold-tinted bubbles. He was rushed to Trump
Hospital (which has recently filed for bankruptcy) where white doctors and
unpaid interns have been working around the clock to save his life.

A police search of his bathroom discovered
nothing out of the ordinary except for a wall television tuned to a
split-screen view of all the major news networks—none of which were displaying
headlines that contained Trump’s name.

“That was definitely a red flag for us,” said
Deputy Joe Ragletti. “We figured the lack of media coverage of Trump’s campaign
could have aided in knocking him fully unconscious.”

Trump’s condition was described by the head of
the neurological department at St. Reagan’s, Dr. Vishal Gupta, as “Reality
Television Disease,” wherein a patient’s life functions begin to deteriorate as
a result of low levels of attention from the media. Trump has been
uncharacteristically out of the news cycle recently, being passed over for the
2016 Olympics, and sources close to his campaign have noted a softening in his
behavior during the days leading up to his coma.

Even a demotion of campaign manager Paul
Manafort did not seem to divert media attention away from superhuman athletes
Katie Ledecky and Simone Biles, which is likely what pushed Trump over the
edge.

“Poor people don’t understand,” Ivanka Trump
said. “He can’t function properly without appearing in at least four news
packages per hour on CNN—it doesn’t even matter if they’re positive or not. He
just needs the attention.”

Sources from inside the campaign have admitted
to planting naked statues of Trump himself around New York City in hopes that
they would spur some media coverage, but the story has yet to cause a
significant shift in coverage.

Trump supporter Ronnie Kaskal blamed the media
for Trump’s condition: “This is just another example of the media unfairly
screwing with Trump. They never talk about Hillary’s cankles or her clearly
damaged vocal cords, but Trump goes into a little coma and suddenly he’s unfit
to be president because he can’t physically function without constant attention
or whatever. What a bunch of horse shit!”

Update: On Friday night at 11:16 pm, Donald
Trump was pronounced dead as a result of no media coverage. His organs are being
donated to the local landfill.

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